[[The entry is written in code, but even then it seems to be rather sprawling and filled with crossed-out lines and corrections.]]
This is probably the first time in a long while that I have bothered to write this way... But this is something I cannot chance having viewed by other eyes.
I have been increasingly careless on where I leave my journal and I know that Aren is suspicious about its contents. But...he just cannot read it. Not yet, at least.
It has been...a long couple of weeks, to say the least. While both parties have said our heartfelt apologies so many evenings ago, the tenseness between us still lingers. Aren said he was sorry...and I so very much want to fully accept it, truly, but my trust in him has been irrevocably damaged – beyond the point where I sincerely doubt apologies and promises will have a chance in mending them.
His actions will speak louder to me, in the end. Yet even then... must I be his shepherd? Must I feel as if I need to keep a constant vigil on him to make certain that he will not go back on his word?
As much as I want to trust Arenvald, I do not trust the wolf that has taken residence in his mind. And I cannot feel that I have made a grave mistake in sparing his life all those nights ago.
I wish you could tell me the answer I need, Journal... I have so very few confidants on who I can discuss this with, after all. Miles? He already said that I should put him down, but given his knee-jerk prejudice towards anything inhuman I have trouble listening to him. Dorien? Not certain... I don't really think he could tell me the right thing to do either.
I don't know... Everything seems wrong. I want to believe in Aren, I don't want to give up on him, but sometimes there are just battles that cannot be won and I cannot help but wonder, and dread, if this is one of them.
I kept t
I still look at the knife. I told Aren where I am keeping it, if only for
some sort of olive branch to be offered in all of this. Well...it is not even that, really. Even though I would like to think it was a gesture of trust, I suppose that is more of a silent threat that I have not forgotten about this and I still have the means to bring about his end.
...In hindsight, I wonder if it was the right thing to do. He still appears to be very stressed and anxious around me, doing his best to appease me and, Light, he hovers around me more than ever.
Perhaps I should just throw it away somewhere... The lava pits in the Steppes or, perhaps, the Great Forge where it was spawned. I cannot help but think that it will do more harm than good to have it nearby, but... I cannot bring myself to part with it yet.
Light damn me... I am pathetic. A pathetic coward who is paralyzed by doubt, guilt, and hopelessness.
The latter is the keyword in all of this...heh. Hopelessness.
The Kamil is hopeless with its internal fracturing and budding civil war. This schism has been a long time coming and it is only a matter of time before it reaches dire levels.
Dealing with Arenvald is hopeless. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, and no matter what I say... The Arenvald I knew will never come back. And no matter how hard I fight to provide for him, to give him a home, to give him a monetary buffer to live off of once I do leave this world, he has already proven that he would much rather ignore my requests and sink into this...atavistic state of his and forget.
I still can't believe that. When I die, he wants to become what I have been trying to keep him fr
I am hopeless. I have given up on myself and everything else in my life because I am too scared to fight. Too scared to act. Too scared to do anything but hole myself up in this glorious tomb of a house I have constructed and wait until my brains are too fucking scrambled for me to even function. And I
Stop it stop it stopit STOP IT stop it stop it stop it stop itSTOPIT stop it stop it stop itST opIT STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it STOPIT STOP IT STOP IT stop it stop st
I just don't know where to go from here... No, I do know where I should be. I should be in Stormwind, trying to do some footwork and finding out just what is going on. I should have been there long ago after the news of the Waynolts. I should have found Grinne. I should have been there... but I was not.
It is hard to find concern for anything, or anyone, right now. Not for the Kamil, not for Miles, not for Arenvald, and not even for myself.
A part of me just wants to lay down and die. I am tired of this waiting for Kaalara to become bored of playing the waiting game.
And what is the worst thing about all of this?
I am beginning to doubt if I had any feelings towards Arenvald, or anyone else for that matter, at all.
I do not know how this self-destructive seed was planted b
It was due to my wondering on why I am -still- with Aren despite all that has happened. When I sit and think about it, about how we even became involved, I am...rather beside myself with incredulity. Was Miles right all those months ago...? Am I really just settling for someone who actually managed to somehow care for me, no matter how misplaced I find his affections to be?
I don't want to believe that's the case... I truly don't. I really do want to believe that Aren is someone that I want to fight for because I -do- love him, but I don't know where I stand or who I am anymore.
I am just so Light-damned tired of it all...
Tired and itchy beyond belief.